Monday, July 04, 2005

Proof of Customer Stupidity, No It's Not Just Me...

If you think that maybe I'm just not enjoying my job, or picking out all the customers that tick me off or whatever, here's a post to prove that it's not just me. Stupid customers are universal, in every country around the world. As if the rest of the working world needed proof, this is mostly for my own amusement...

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  • Is this an 800 number? (after dialing 1-416-xxx-xxxx)

    (customer at staples office superstore) HI sir do you sale staples.

    Do you have my size in this? (in a shoe store... what am I a mind reader, I get asked this at least 5 times a day.)

    When you stop an employee that is running down the aisle you're probably a disturbance. If he's running for some reason that reason is usually a good one.

    When you order your food then complain about it and have them bring you back another plate 75% of the time they're bringing you back out the same plate of food. You seem perfectly content with it.

    No matter how flirty the cashier appears to be to you she doesn't want you in any way.

    How big is your 12", 14",16" pizza?

    What time do you close? (In a 24 hour store)

    What time does your midnight buffet start?

    Can you download classical music on these MP3 players?

    (in a auto parts store) Do you sell brake pads?

    How much ink do I use when I print white?

    Are you not accepting my check because you're gay and I'm not?

    What comes on your pepperoni pizza?

    What does salt added mean?

    Which one is the Sprite? (With a coke and sprite on the counter.)

    (At a pet store) "Is this all the guinea pigs you have?" (No, we have some packed in boxes in the back for if we run out...DUH)

    When I go to the bank machine in Israel, will it give me American money or the local currency?

    (At an amusement park): "The safety regulations are just for the kids, right?"

    Why did they build the caverns so far from town? (or the other option)

    (at a caverns national park) How much of the caves haven't been discovered yet?

    (Standing in frozen food section looking at frozen pies) Can those be frozen?

    Do tv's break?

    (at a dairy cone) yeah I got food tonight it was wrong can I come back tomorrow and get it made over?

    "Why won't this play in my CD player?" (Holding up a DVD disc.)

    "Do you have any disposable digital cameras?" (I've honest to God been asked this.)

    Do you have that Playstation game on VHS?

    What's in the icecubes?

    This is (and will quite possibly forever remain)the dumbest question ever asked in a record store: "Do you guys sell milk?"

    Do you think the pet shop next door would let me refund this fish tank?

    What is the difference between your coffee and tea?

    On a HOT Fudge sundae is the hot fudge hot?

    This says days for cd, is it next day?

    What is the difference between a disk and a cd?

    (in a tattoo/piercing shop) "I got my tounge/navel/hoohaa pierced today, should it be swollen/bleeding?"

    If I eat everything off of my plate except for one BABY shrimp I deserve a full refund right?

    Can I have (insert dish name) for free? Because I'm like the best customer in the ENTIRE world.

    If I order the cheapest thing on the menu will you throw in a free soup, free appetizer, free egg roll, and a free drink with it?

    Does the chicken fried rice have pork in it?

    Does the shrimp fried rice have shrimp in it?

    What do you mean by clear?....In the paint department when asking about floor sealers

    I broke this, can I have a discount?

    "Am I being arrested?" (as I handcuff them.)

    Do you have a dvd rewinder?

    Do you take expired coupons?

    What's in the lemon filled doughnut?

    What's in a bacon egg and cheese sandwich?

    "I bought a box of chicken nuggets yesterday and when I ate them the next day they were horrible. Can you give me some fresh ones today?"

    So what do you mean by unlimited hours and unlimited downloads?

    (While working in a gas station while it was raining hard) "Why did you make all this rain?” (I'm sorry I forgot that I was in control of the weather)

    I forgot to exchange all my money for American dollars..can't you just make an exception and accept these francs?

    "Is the one in the skirt a women’s toilet?"

    Can you look up the phone numbers of the other pizza places in town to I can see if they have a better deal?

    Are these prices in dollars?

    Do you have pumpkin seeds without the shell? (Without the pumpkin...??)

    These potatoes tasted AWFUL! (customer holds up a bag of seed potatoes)

    Are the red seedless grapes seedless?

    How do I get out of here? (The store's not THAT big)

    Are these last year's carrots?

    Why don't you sell me a winning ticket this time?

    What do your meatballs look like? (They were right in front of him. )

    (While pulling something out of a cooler) Is this cold?

    Do you carry edible plates?

    (In any liquor store) Do you carry Bud?

    How much fat is in the NON FAT yogurt?

    (At a restaurant) Customer : Is there any meat in the VEGGIE Burger?

    Gee, are you busy? (there's a lineup of 10 people and every table is taken)

    Are refills free? (on a huge latte with about 10 customizations)

    (While working at a coffee shop) Do you have any coffee?

    (While working in a store called calendar club) Do you sell posters/post cards/greeting cards/ beany babies/books/plants?

    Is it the Canadian price or the American one? (The store is in Canada)

    (While working in a store called calendar club) How much is this? (all prices are marked clearly on the back) followed immediately by "would you read it to me?"

    (While working in a store called calendar club) Is this a calendar? (no, it's a banana, you wandered into a fruit stand in disguise)

    (While working in a store called calendar club) Are these records/CDs/books? (i've been asked all of these and more)

    (While working in a store called calendar club) Where are your calendars!?

    What does Frozen mean in a Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri?

    Are your milk shakes made with ice-cream?

    Are your omelet's made with eggs?

    Is your chicken parmesan made from chicken?

    "Am I holding you late?" (at 8:30 ..when the store closed at 8:00)

    "If my mouse cursor is at the top of the screen, how do I move it down if my mouse is at the bottom of the mouse pad?"

    My nephew is 6 years old. What size would he be? DUH!!! (Every kid is different. I have seen six year olds in a kids size 1 and others in a men's )

    What do you have in a size 10? (Like I memorized EVERY shoe in the back room.)

    (Holding a shoe) "Do you have this in my size?" -Like I know their size just by looking at them.

    (In a Book Store) For how many days can I check out books?

    What's the best knife? (sir, we stock 15,000 different knives for 5000 different uses. What the hell are you USING it for? Cutting carpet? Beheading enemy sentries? Whittling toothpicks?)

    Is this real? (While handling a sword) (no, it's a tactile hallucination, and you're in a strait jacket)

    Are these swords sharp? (I reply: Put your head on the table)

    Can you put a power cord on this wireless guitar transmitter so I don't have to use batteries? (Sure. But then it won't be wireless, will it?) But you could do it? (yes, but it's cheaper just to use a 1/4" cord ). Yeah, but wireless is cool!

    A caller calling a corporate travel agency -- "Can you tell me the route of the St. Patrick's Day Parade (in New York)?"

    Why do I need a credit card and valid driver's license to rent a car?

    "You close at 9:00pm right? I can't get out there until 9:30 . could you stay open until I get there?"

    "What time does the 8:00 show start?" at a theater Box office.

    "Do I have to wait in line, even though I am only getting this one thing?" Well, I couldn't care either way, but these 20 people ahead of you might have something to say!

    "Can I get cash back if I use my atm card?" "Yes, up to 50 dollars. How much would you like back?" "Can I get 60?" Yes, I get this all the time!

    "Which brand of adult diapers is better?" Well, seeing how I am only 19, I haven't had that problem yet!

    "How long will it take to develop my film in the one hour service?"

    (During a town-wide power outage, store's dark, doors locked with big signs on them saying "CLOSED- NO POWER") Customers knocking on the door, peering in, 'Are you open?'

    (While I'm alone on a register with no other employees to help me) 'Why don't you open more registers?' Well, gee, why didn't I think of that? I'll just get a nonexistent employee to open up that register and we'll move the lines right along *mutter*

    'I bought this at another store, can I get it replaced here?'

    Your advertisement says no credit card necessary to register. Does that mean you will need my American Express number?

    Will your software work on Windows 96? (or even 97!?!?)

    How much does your Totally Free Internet Service cost?

    While "Independence Day" is playing on the display TV, the bright scene where the cities are being destroyed: "Is this a color TV?" (I replied: No, it's a color VCR)

    How many pieces come in the two piece dinner?

    Customer calls directory assistance and says "Yes, I was wondering, what time do the buses stop running tonight?" (customer is in a different city)

    Customer calls directory assistance and says "Can I get a phone number here?"

    When walking in to a crowded restaurant on a Sunday morning. Is this a restaurant? Can we get something to eat here?

    (At an A & W drive thru) Can I get a big mac and a quarter pounder with cheese?

    (at the lost and found, when told an item is not in the office) "Where is it then?"

    (In Canada) "Are these prices in American?"

    (At a ski resort) How do they get the snow to the top of the hill?

    I don't have a photo ID. Can you use my drivers' license?

    Why do you need to see my photo ID in order to cash a $200.00 check?

    "Can you tell me where ya' keep the internet paper?"

    (with a huge, lime green, brightly lit, sign outside that says "ATM quickcash" and the machine to the immediate right as you walk in) Hey! Do you have an ATM?

    (Said at resort in Alberta) what time do you let your wildlife out at?

    My computer doesn't have an AGP slot, can I still use an AGP video card?

    My roof was leaking and water went into my monitor. Why doesn't it work now?

    Will you be getting this item back in? (when it is clearly marked CLEARENCE)

    What is the difference between 168pin memory, 72pin memory and 30pin memory? (hmmmmm let me think)

    (5:15; bookstore closes at 5:30) Where are your books on rhesus monkey? What do you mean you don't have any?

    If it doesn't have a price sticker, is it free?

    "My child is deathly allergic to tomato sauce. So, I want this pizza with just half sauce on it." (what about when we cut through it with the cutter? Won't it kill him?)

    "Do you have a discount for being put on hold?"

    "What does the $3 popcorn cost?"

    "What's playing?" (on the phone, asking someone who answers calls for an entire theatre chain - - incidentally, the dope probably get the number from the newspaper where the phone number is displayed amongst prominent advertisements for what's playing)

    "What's playing?" (standing by a 10 foot wide by 6 foot high display advertising the current feature outside a single-auditorium cinema)

    "Why are there no matinees at the drive-in?"

    "What time does the 7:00 show start?"

    "Is the Beef N Cheddar Kosher?"

    When not in Canada "Do you take Canadian money?"

    At the drive through: "Can I have that to go?"

    "What kind of cheese is on a Beef N Cheddar?"

    Do I need a computer to use your software?

    The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?

    I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?

    Do you need the actual roll of film or can you just make the pictures from my camera that I took them with?

    Had a customer pick up a Polaroid once and say "excuse me, is this a camera?"

    That ready-mix cement... is it for cement?

    Do you sell metal thinner?

    Does this checkmark next to brown mean that the light is brown?

    I didn't know if they were standard, or if they were all the same?

    Do you sell travel urinals?

    uhh, can we bring our beer in here? (in a clothing store)

    I was in here two months ago and you told me the name of a good movie to rent....what was it called?

    What comes with a side of fries?

    This version of the Matrix DVD is in widescreen.....How wide does my T V have to be to be able to see it?

    I work in a bird store. Favorite question: "Do you know anything about birds?"

    Do they make Microsoft games for the nintendo dreamstation?"

    Do you have that movie with that guy from that kid's tv show? You know the one, with the girl and the guy and they do the thing. Why don't you understand of what movie I'm talking about? (HELLO!!!!!!!Isn't it obvious??)

    I work in a cafe. One day a lady with a distraught look on her face comes in and asks, "Excuse me, do you have coffee?"

    Do you sell a parmesan cheese shaker in the shape of a rat?

    (Standing in store, hands on hips) What do you sell?

    (At in information booth in Maui, asked by a woman old enough to know better) She: Where are the whales? Me, incredulously: the ocean? She: Oh, really? Isn't there an aquarium where we can see them? (Humpbacks, mind you)

    Where are your kidney gifts?

    "How many donuts are in a dozen?" (Or the variant. "I want a dozen donuts. How many do I get with that?")

    What's the difference between a frozen margarita and a regular one?

    Calling video rental "Got any thing good in?" or "Do you have ____ in?" (when it hasn't even been released in theatres yet.)

    Me: ____ International, how may I help you? Customer: Yes do you deliver packages to other countries?

    What is the difference between a hard shell lobster and a soft shell lobster?

    Customer: What are Your hours?
    Me: We are open from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m.
    Customer: O'Clock?

    Are you open? (when the lights are off and I have keys in hand ready to lock the door and leave)

    Your apple pies... are those pies, or are they sandwiches?

    Five yards? how long is that?

    Is flat white shinier than gloss white?

    Me: "Hello, (name of store) Videos."
    Them: "Yeah, you rent videos?"

    (In a deli) How hard is your salami? (Can't say that one too loud. Ya never know what people will think you mean :) )

    "Is this my bus?" (How am I supposed to know where you want to go?)

    (To the driver of a bus full of passengers, which has just pulled up to a bus stop) "Oh honey, are the busses running today?"

    Where are your telephones and microwaves? (When you work in a dollar store)

    How come I can't get this out-of-order machine to work?

    What do you mean I can't upgrade my 286 to use a DVD player?

    What do you mean you can't install this program on one of your computers so I can see if I like it?

    Where does the film go in the digital camera?

    Can I deposit cash at the ATM without my ATM card?

    How long are those yardsticks?

    (In a pet store) Do you work in the pet department?

    You know stainless screws? Are they supposed to be rust proof?

    From the mainland: "Can we drive to Hawaii from California?"

    "Is your Sunset Dinner Cruise on a boat?" followed by: "is there any meal on there?"

    (In Hawaii) "You look awful white. Are you sure you live here?"

    "Can I get tickets to the lua?" ("Lua" is the Hawaiian word for toilet. They mean "luau".)

    Can you call up so and so (your competitor) and ask them what they have on sale and how late they are open till? (yes someone actually asked me this)

    Why do you need to see my drivers license? (when they write you a freakin check for $3000+) grow up people

    Why do you close at 8PM? (ummm because I have a life and want to go home)

    On the phone: "I got caught for shoplifting a year ago. Can I come back and shop yet?"

    Can you tell me where you have drill bits? Ahh! (Points at cement and walks away.)

    What kind of brush do I need for this paint? (Holds up a spray can)

    Do you take cash?

    How much will a 5 gal tank hold?

    What color are your blue tarps?

    Can I order from the menu?

    How can you legally sell buffalo wings, don't you know that they are extinct?

    What kind of deal can you give me on this? (pointing to something already on sale)

    Me: Thank you for calling "Store Name" how may I help you? Them: Is this "Store Name"?

    This says Windows 95 or 98, does this mean it will only work on computers made in 1995 or 1998?

    "Do you have Windows 95 for Sony Playstation?

    Is this on sale? (Yeah like I memorize the circular and everything that is on sale in every department.)

    Me: answer phone " ____ CD store can I help you?"
    Them : Do you sell Beanie Babies?

    (clearance sale of Item A): Do you have any more in the back?

    I bought this item 6 years ago. I don't have a receipt and I'm not even sure if I bought it here. Can I get a cash refund?

    Where's the electronic department? (When they're standing in it)

    Do you work here?

    Is this phone y2k compliant?

    Me: Hello (company name), open till 6 how may I help you? Them: Uumm yes, can you tell me what time you're open till?

    How much is a ninety-nine cent cheeseburger?

    What comes on that one topping pizza?

    (in a restaurant) Do you know where the bathroom is? (nope, I’ve worked here for six months and that’s the one thing I haven’t found yet...)