Sunday, April 29, 2007

"How to Break Into The Film Business"

I, along with my entire Advanced Film Production class, was assigned to write a three page paper on how I, personally, was going to "break into" the film industry. After a series of guest speakers, who all said the same thing, I became disheartened at the idea of this paper. Most of the speakers touched briefly on the subject and what they did say was the same as the speaker before them. I could say how I was going to do it in a paragraph, maybe two if I really tried. I toyed with the idea of writing a whole paper on how I was going to "work the couch" all the way to the top (and idea that one of my friends also toyed with and said she wasn't actually going to use). But I didn't need my paper to be taken too seriously for it's own good if I did that.

Then Dan gave me the perfect idea! He jokingly said that I should take out the CEO of a film company and break into it that way. *Light Bulb Above Head* Not only did I use his CEO idea, I ran with it and took it over the top. Enjoy! :)

How To Break Into The Business

In this essay I will discuss one of the little known methods of getting into the film business: assassination. To become a good assassin, you need lots of special training, not to mention the willpower to take out the selected target. You will also need to be stealthy so you are not caught, because you cannot run a business or corporation from prison unless you are a drug-lord or the head of a gang.

The first thing you need to do is go to a reputable ninja school. There they will teach you the skills necessary to be a good assassin, or a secret agent at the very least if you get C’s in all of your classes. Be sure and pay attention in stealth and weapons classes, you will need all the information they can teach you later. Next, be sure that you buy lots of black clothing and start wearing it right away. Wearing all of your new black outfits everyday will get you used to the range and mobility that they will give you and black makes almost everyone look super cool.

You should also become a member of the National Evil Flying Monkey Association (or the NEFMA) and start accumulating a variety of evil flying monkeys. This way, going and practicing at the target range with your new evil flying monkeys every weekend will not be considered suspicious. Also, if possible, report a few of your evil flying monkeys as stolen to the police. By doing this, if one of your evil flying monkeys happens to turn up later after a practice run has gone bad, it cannot be attributed to you because you listed that particular evil flying monkey as stolen.

If you have a lot of friends who are Vikings or pirates, get them to help you out with your heist as well. Since both parties are loud and usually clumsy, you can use them for diversions once you get to the film studio of your choice. Vikings are great for making diversions due to their pillaging nature as depicted in the Capital One commercials on television. Their notoriety because of these commercials will aid in their reign of terror once they begin pillaging the studio lot. Pirates are wonderful to have around as well because they can work as a team to capture a building or vehicle. This is especially useful when overtaking the security booth at the front gate of the film studio.

The security booth is the first step in capturing an entire film studio. While the pirates are keeping the security guards busy at the front of the studio, you can send the Vikings in through the back. Once inside the walls, they can overcome any guards who are not busy fighting pirates. Individual Vikings have a tendency to pillage better on their own than with a whole tea. Spread your Vikings out in a fan patter while they are outdoors and send them into buildings one-by-one to achieve the most possible damage.

Once the guards have been sufficiently distracted or captured, you, as a ninja, can begin infiltrating the various buildings on the studio lot in search of the CEO. While you are searching, have any pirates or Vikings who are not busy put potatoes in as many exhaust pipes that they can to create further disarray and confusion. In fat, it would be a good idea if you had a special team just for putting potatoes in exhaust pipes, like a group of computer nerds who wouldn’t be out of places on a film studio lot.

As soon as you find the CEO’s office, release a small puppy, or other adorable animal, in the hallway. Wait for the noise of the puppy to carry into the office and grab the CEO’s attention. The cuteness factor of the puppy will determine how close the CEO will get to it. As a ninja, you have, of course, hidden yourself either on the ceiling above the office door or behind a large ficus. The puppy has also had special ninja training and will lead the CEO right to you while still appearing adorable.

From there, you have two options. You can immediately eliminate the CEO and attempt to take over the studio from there. However, this method is more dangerous and much trickier because everyone at the studio will think “Whoa, who is this guy?!” and probably have a now-battered security guard throw you out. The other option is to inject the CEO with a mind control serum. This way, you can make him hand the company over to you publicly and without any question. The latter method would be better in the long run as you wouldn’t have to go through as much legal red tape and could start green-lighting your movies almost right away.

While the above method for “breaking into the business” may sound good, it is not how I plan on getting a job in the film or video field. I plan on building my resume by helping out with as many student projects as I can, sending out that resume and following up with everyone that I send it to. I will be persistent without being annoying and I will not take a “no” personally and move on to the next potential employer. I will be polite and personable and I will not be discouraged if I have a “dry spell” that lasts for months. My creativity is one of my strongest attributes and I am not afraid to use it as has been shown in this essay. I have every confidence that I will be able to get a job and make a career in the film and video field.

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